Wow, ibara no namida. I wonder who made fun of me...
Wow. I am glad that from everything, this is still alive, even if it's only to mark things.

Today, I realized, I have officially lost what I held onto. You can't hold onto people who let you go so easily. I am confused but there is nothing to go back to either. Yet, I love it how people expected me to just be a doll. You can react but I can't because I have to always be damn calm. Well, where do I go then? I have wandered around and I'll keep going forward. There was always nothing behind.

I envy my children when I see their grandparents. And I smile at people because I know that the impression I leave is what they'll keep until the next time, if we meet. I don't say everything on my mind because I don't think I'm special since I have many things to learn.
But one thing I am: I don't lie.

I think that's the reason why I loved Soujirou so much. I kind of understand why he acted the way he did.

When I die, I want to be in Ueno with a sword with a red scabbard. Until then, I shall fight.

That's why that word was my word for the year. I must fight to preserve it. When he changes and her status is fixed, I will have to live in between, distant yet immersed though I know it will be hard. I chose it though. That is the most important thing.

There is no such thing as time. You move only when your soul tells you that you must learn this lesson now.
Saturday, January 21, 2012 at 01:47 a.m.

alive and active.
It takes time...to put things together...and to watch them spread apart. I realized the distance between everyone when I went home this past year.
No matter how much you protect someone, if they don't make an effort and/or don't protect themselves, then it is still useless. I wonder why people feel the need to judge others on a reality that they themselves cannot see or live by and yet, they expect it of others. What is the point of all this self-hatred anyway...?
Multiple things to think about and can't focus because other things need attention. I repeat, they are not distractions. There really are important things happening at the same time and I sometimes feel they are strangling me.

Then, here I waited only to find out that the person I'd waited so long to talk to not only doesn't recognize me, but chose to ignore. Another person too...am I supposed to initiate everything?

I'm writing this because I'm tired...I'm tired of being taken for granted, to be forced to explain myself to people who don't even know wtf they are doing with themselves. Am I supposed to stand back too when people complain but won't do anything about their lives?

I am always moving even if I appear to be calm. And I always look for a solution because I need to be active in my life...

That's why that person can't be the one for me and why the other one is.

There is no such thing as time. You move only when your soul tells you that you must learn this lesson now.
Thursday, January 27, 2011 at 02:10 a.m.

I found him.
I think I finally found the one named Adrien.

There is no such thing as time. You move only when your soul tells you that you must learn this lesson now.
Monday, September 6, 2010 at 12:00 a.m.

In each person's heart lies a world I may want to see.
So, I came back from Singapore and it was a strange thing. It felt like things were in place. Many signs guided me where to go for I feel lost these days due to feel a slight depression from having to fight with an unreasonable, yet lying person.
On the other hand, from this same place, I found the core of myself and I was faced with my insecurities because of a new person, whom I am still trying to figure out. I like that person though. He is pure.
And more so, I could really appreciate who my true friends were. Even if I was lost, they knew where the real me was and so I gained my confidence back again. I just wish I was more sure of myself. In the twenty-nine years of life, I realized the one thing I lacked in order to be a human being: Confidence. But the ability to stand for what you believe in, even at the worst of times, isn't this confidence too? Somehow, I've still gotta make that equation fit one another in my head.
The only thing I know is that I must keep close to people and keep learning about new worlds inside books, music, and humans.

There is no such thing as time. You move only when your soul tells you that you must learn this lesson now.
Sunday, September 5, 2010 at 11:54 p.m.

jibun no nayami, anata wo sagashite
I am really disappointed with the way that Moon Lovers ended. I didn’t want to really watch it but I like Ryoko Shinohara and the Taiwanese actress is very pretty. Also, I really loved the music and it came at a time in my life that I thought would give me an answer.
Well, I thought that but all in all, I ended up crying because the Taiwanese actress reminded me of two people I know. One is still the same and the other one changed because of various reasons. There is one other person that I thought could have been like her too.
That’s Japanese television for you. I guess I just couldn’t accept it because it is a drama, why couldn’t you have ended it as so? And also, when you are with someone for too long but have felt no attraction to, it just doesn’t suddenly come out. So I felt that the main couple weren’t compatible to me.
Why write this ridiculous entry? So many heavy things happened lately and I am very sick. It is my fault, but in trying to fight all these people who have no idea how to protect what is truly precious, it is a sacrifice worth doing. You only have one soul in many many lives. I don’t answer to society. I answer to the ones who judge me for my soul.

I guess I just realized that in the end, I looked at people from two integrated categories:
1) Those who love others and those who don’t like humans and
2) people who know how to take care of precious things and those that waste those precious things.

I learned something very important while talking to a sweet girl under the rain: You never know how much you influence people, so always make a good impression for them to take away.

I think I found that person. And then I can finally leave this city.

There is no such thing as time. You move only when your soul tells you that you must learn this lesson now.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010 at 12:02 a.m.

Cars before boys. I love you FC3S!!!!!
Because my friend had come to visit me, I was able to reset myself. My body is worn down from the new schedule, the weirdly crazy extreme weather changes everyday, and some personally stressful things, but even if these months are the worst in the year for me, I was able to smile and look out of Chuo-sen today and think, "If I didn't come here, I wouldn't have known myself."
I finished an important project on Monday. It was something I felt I had to say before I turned 30. After that, I was able to sleep so soundly for the rest of the week.

It really is a fun life.

And I LUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUV WANGAN MIDNIGHT. Kato Kazuki, you rocked in Tenipuri Musical, but I love you as Tatsuya. Perfect.
Is it wrong to say you love cars more than boys? *LAUGHS* Oh, and not to mention I'm almost done with ID5. I'm committing myself to that one!

song of the week: Wheels of Fire by Dave Rodgers

There is no such thing as time. You move only when your soul tells you that you must learn this lesson now.
Monday, April 26, 2010 at 12:55 a.m.

If you are not here, why did I ever come?

There is no such thing as time. You move only when your soul tells you that you must learn this lesson now.
Thursday, March 4, 2010 at 12:16 a.m.

The shadow of the moon.
Wandering lost on this forsaken planet,
What was I supposed to do? How
Was I supposed to act?

My feet are stained and bruised,
I can’t feel them anymore
And yet I feel I’ll be left behind
If I close my eyes to rest.

I want to ask why it’s like this,
That when you do your best,
It still does nothing,
It doesn’t help you move any closer
To the person you care for.

Under these white wings,
I will cover my face with the feathers
Flying everywhere

When I finally rest.
Just for a little while,
I’ll close my eyes…

…and scatter myself in a lost dream.

Maybe finally,
I will find you there.


There is no such thing as time. You move only when your soul tells you that you must learn this lesson now.
Thursday, March 4, 2010 at 12:15 a.m.

Break my heart into emergency light pieces.
Yesterday, one of my students left. Usually, I’m okay. Most of the time, I’m calm, though still sad when I see the students graduate. However, yesterday, I was very upset because one of the moms was very controlling of her children that she disregarded the feelings of her child and took her out of the class though they only had 2 months left.
Mom felt so guilty that she couldn’t come to the classroom to get her child when the little girl came back. I cried. I’m very accustomed to smiling whether mad or sad. But I didn’t want to keep up the front. I really cried and I hugged the girl saying I loved her very much. I didn’t want her to leave without knowing my real feelings.
I only shared this because she used to be a problem student, but she respected me and I treated her like an adult, like my equal. That’s why I know she listened to me. And to watch her cry because her mom made her and her mom found out what she had done, until now, it brings tears to my eyes.

There are things we cannot avoid in this world. There are others that we can prevent. But if you can keep from causing unnecessary pain to another being in this world, why not make that choice? I think that is one thing I can’t seem to understand.
I know that I seem rather blunt and opinionated to some people, but I know I don’t speak with emptiness or with carelessness. And it is hard to talk when someone says they are open-minded but truly are not. I will be the one told who is at fault. And if that is to be, I’m fine with it. But one thing I can say is that except for that one thing (and now it has been said), I’d not ever held back to protect myself.
I know I hurt myself by getting involved, but no matter how many lifetimes there are, I'm sure I've been the same. I can't just watch and pretend I don't know. I can't expect to be loved without loving and I can't expect happiness if there is no sacrifice or pain. I simply can't love without giving everything, without being my true self.

I will write very soon. I really loved my little fairy.

Song of the day: Owl City

There is no such thing as time. You move only when your soul tells you that you must learn this lesson now.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010 at 11:42 p.m.